Today is my 1 year Anniversary! 🎉Feb 21, 2023
I am celebrating my 1-year anniversary of being sober!
It's been a journey of deep healing and personal transformation and I'm feeling very vulnerable. Sharing my story today serves two purposes:
1. maybe it will support someone else who is struggling like I was, and
2. sharing my story is part of my healing process.
I can't help but chuckle at the timing of my sobriety.
Marijuana is becoming legal for recreation in so many places... Finally, when it's acceptable, I decide it's ruining my life. 🙄 🤣
Where to begin?
The beginning I guess...
I smoked my first joint on the railroad tracks by the high school the summer going into 9th grade.
Little did I know then how this beautiful little plant would take hold of my life.
The crux of my story is how much I hid my habit.I didn't want anyone to know that I smoked weed.
Which means I have felt fragmented ever since 9th grade. I spent over 25 years hiding something that I felt ashamed of in the company of some and totally fine flaunting in the company of others.
On my journey of recovery, I learned addiction means you lose control of your life.
The control I lost in my life was my ability NOT to smoke. Even if I said I didn't want to, I couldn't stop myself.
I had a reason to smoke for EVERYTHING.
When I was happy, sad, anxious, depressed, excited, bored...
As an adult with ADD, I would smoke when I couldn't focus... (I might as well not stress about it. Right?)
I'd smoke when I could focus... (maybe it would help me hyper-focus? How ridiculous! )
...and it went on and on like this.
Then just a few years ago, I was standing in a circle with a bunch of my sisters (about to smoke together obviously) and I said, "I think I have a problem with weed."
My message was received, and jokingly, I even got some me too's.... then we lit up and my first cry for help was gone as fast as my inhale.
See, people don't always take weed addiction seriously. Even my own husband would reassure me that I didn't have a "problem" because I was still being "productive."
About a year after my first cry for help, I participated in a Plant Medicine Ceremony. I was shown that my heart was in shackles and that I am directly connected to our great mother and she is here to support me.
This was the beginning of my own journey from Head to Heart.
5 months later I participated in another ceremony where it became clear that if I was going to have the impact that I am meant to have in the world, I could not continue clouding my 6th Chakra.
My intuition and my heart were directly connected. Weed was literally clouding everything.
I couldn't believe it took me so long to see it.
So last year, on a Sunday morning, I made the choice to stop.
Keith and Amos were ice fishing and I gave myself a cord-cutting ceremony.
I burned JARS full of weed. (People gave me so. much. weed.)
I smashed the glass pieces I had with a hammer.
I wrote in my journal. I cried a lot.
And I had no idea how I was going to get through this.
I just knew I had to and I felt scared and alone.
The following Tuesday I went to my first Marijuana Anonymous meeting and that's when I realized that I was not alone.
There were at least 40 women in that meeting. I felt seen in my truth for what felt like the first time ever.
I've had to learn new ways of coping with stress and ALL my emotions.
My fear of being "too much" also held a different truth.
How the hell I was going to deal with all of me, all the time, with
no more escaping.
no more numbing.
no more excuses.
The truth I eventually came to realize is that - I never meant for it to happen.
Becoming addicted to marijuana was a total accident.
There were so many times I wanted to tell people what I have been navigating - but honestly, I was afraid to. What if I slipped?
So I gave myself 1 year for this journey to be my own.
NOW - on my 1 Year Anniversary of being sober - I can't imagine my life with marijuana.
And I didn't slip.
And I didn't lose people that I love who still smoke.
And I can smell it without being seduced.
And yes, I can still listen to dub and reggae! 🤣 (Which was a legit concern for me.)
I am celebrating myself so fucking much today.
I've had plenty of ups and downs over the last year.
And there are days when I don't think about smoking at all, but there are still plenty of days that I do.
My connection to spirit, faith, all of my support systems, and the tools I've collected over the years are what have helped me thrive through this.
If you are secretly struggling like I was. There is amazing support out there for you.
There are Anonymous groups for just about every addiction out there.
I am here for you too.
I have so much more I can share about this journey! But I'll stop here for now...
As I write this, I already feel more integrated. This part of my truth no longer has to hide. The fragmentation - dissolving.
I had to face the fact that you might judge me. How could a coach who helps people live their fullest potential have such a secret...?
That's been the voice in my head that has asked for the most healing.
That's why sharing this story is part of my healing journey - not more split identity - no more secrets - and THAT feels amazing.
And honestly, I am owning that this is what actually makes me a GREAT coach.
Real experiences. I am human, with real shit that I need to work through.
I don't have it all figured out... It's not about figuring it out. It's about being honest with what's real for us in every moment and not being afraid to face it and get the support we need.
So - Thank you for witnessing me and possibly even celebrating me! Today is a big day.
All My Love,
PS If someone in your life mentions that they think they have a problem, please take them seriously. All you need to do is ask, "Would you like support?" and/or "How can I help?"
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