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They didn't feel the need to fix me 🌈 Journey Part 2

journey plantmedicine Aug 25, 2021

Conditioning
We’ve been conditioned to not be “too emotional,” and therefore, we’ve forgotten that it’s okay to feel deeply.  We hold back, stuff down, and temper whatever it is we’re experiencing out of fear. 

Fear that it’s not a good time, we’ll look weak, we’ll burden the people around us, we'll spiral into someplace we can’t come back from, it’ll hurt too much... and it goes on.

 

Fear is our friend. It informs. 
One of my core teachings is the practice of allowing. Allowing all that is to be just as it is.  It’s a practice of compassion that can help us navigate life and stress whenever and wherever we experience it. The practice isn’t always easy but the more we do it, the easier it gets. 

 

The journey continues.
As I mentioned yesterday, on the fourth day of a women’s retreat in Hawaii, we participated in a sacred plant ceremony. I went into this ceremony with the intention of being open to receive and allow anything that needed to be revealed to flow through me.  

After many hours of joy at the start of the ceremony, I began to feel tightness and nausea in my belly. 

When I asked myself, “What is this telling me?” 

I sensed resistance and fear. 

I sat down, and the tears began to flow. 

I asked, “What are these tears?”  

They were tears of grief.
Grieving the amount of time I have allowed fear and doubt to take up space in my mind and body. Grieving how much love I have kept from myself because of old sister wounds (the ways we’ve hurt or been hurt by girlfriends or sisters), and lack of trusting that I am worthy to receive authentic love. 

 I just let it all come. I felt no need or desire to stop what I was feeling.  

A sister sat down directly in front of me and we looked deep into each other’s eyes. I was connecting so deeply into my heart and hers. I told her that I really do want to receive love. I want to trust the love that is offered. I wanted my heart to feel open and free, but it wasn’t.

I laid back on a pillow to bolster my heart open.  

 

 It felt like my heart was cracking open.
I could feel the armor wanting to come off, but I wasn’t sure how to let go. It felt painful.  It was an ache of desire to feel free from the burden.  It also felt a bit chaotic and extremely vulnerable.  

At times my whole body would release a huge wave of energy. 

Those were the moments when I could feel the armor breaking apart. With time and humbled investigation, I could feel the chains binding my heart dissolving.

The tears, the dissolving chains … they meant I was letting go of these old parts of me. It left me raw and vulnerable, naked in my truth.  

Another sister came to me and placed her hand on my heart. The sensation oscillated between feeling like a magnet drawing out the pain, and a hug for my soul.

 

Holding Space
These sisters held such beautiful space for my process. They didn’t try to change anything. They didn’t feel the need to fix me, or even comfort me. Silently, they let me know they were there to support me in whatever way I needed.  

This is the kind of support we learn how to give one another when we sit in women’s circles.  This kind of support allows us to process completely, without interruption, and feel seen and held. 

Eventually, I repositioned my body once more.  This time, belly down directly on the earth.  

At the beginning of my retreat, I had called in reclaiming trust and sacred pause. And what is so beautiful is, here it was. Trusting… there was no place else to be. No place I needed to get to. 

 As I lay belly down, grounding myself to the earth, I began to mumble. Immediately the vibration of my vocal cords created another shift. It focused my energy.  Words slowly began forming… 

 

I surrender
I don’t want it
You can have it
I don’t need it
I don’t want it
I surrender

Surrendering is scary.
There is so much uncertainty about what might happen when we completely let go.  Saying those words out loud gave me the courage to keep going through my process. To purge my grief and pain completely, making room for re-emergence and the integration of it all.

Tomorrow I’ll share the final phase of my journey. 

For now,  I invite you to take a moment to nurture your own heart. 

Place your hands upon your heart and say: 

I love you.
You are strong, brave, and powerful.
You are gentle, vulnerable, and inspired.
You are truth. 
You are insight.
You are wisdom. 
You are life. 
I love you and you are safe.
Thank you for loving.

If you like to write... here’s a journal prompt for you:  When have you felt completely free? 

In Love & Service,
Suzy

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